Tools to Change Your Life
When clients come to me and they want to change their life, there are many tools available that we can use to make progress. The important thing is to know exactly what change you’re desiring to make so you have a clear path to work towards.
One of the mistakes I see when people get into personal development is that when they learn that their thoughts create their life, and they become aware to their current way of thinking, they can easily fall into shame about themselves and their life.
This is why I recommend having a life coach as you do this work. A life coach will keep you on your path so you don’t get bogged down and lost in the unhelpful ways of the brain.
Most people think that if they had a different life, then they’d feel better.
And it’s not just the house or the money. There are a lot of people who think having a bigger house would solve their problems, and maybe it will, but this isn’t only what I’m talking about. A bigger house will probably solve some problems. Having more money can solve a lot of problems.
But if you don’t manage your mind when you get the bigger house or more money, your current problems will grow with your new circumstance.
When I ask people what they specifically they want to change, they often get silent because what they really want is to just feel better.
The truth is that they just don’t want to feel the unpleasant emotions.
But unpleasant emotions are half of life.
Look around yourself. You will find evidence of this. Half of the time we’re not supposed to be happy.
So really, the work becomes being okay with the negative half. And if you can find acceptance for that, you will eliminate half of your unpleasant emotions.
Think about it. If you feel upset because you’re not happy and you think you should be happy, when you accept that you’re actually not supposed to be happy, you can be content with feeling unhappy. The ‘upset’ part goes away.
Then you can examine the unpleasant emotion if you want. You can look inside and see if you want to change how you feel, or if how you feel, even though it’s unpleasant, maybe you actually want to be feeling that way.
This is how you change your life—you change your relationship with your life. Not the actual tangible aspects of it, but how you interact with it.
The more you try to change your life, the more you will believe that your life is the reason you feel the way you do.
The more you understand that how you THINK about your life is the reason you feel the way you do, the more you will be able to accept what you currently have.
Coaching is about understanding what you are thinking and how it’s impacting your life. In order to coach yourself to change, you need proper tools.
QUESTIONS
One of the tools is questions. Asking yourself great questions will help you gain awareness into your life. Great questions prompt you to think. They are not yes or no questions. But before you answer a great question, you want to pause. You want to ask yourself if your answer is coming from a place of responsibility or blame.
For example, a great question is: Why is your life the way it is? While this is broad and general, it’s still a great question because it makes you think. But if you go into blaming the way your life is on other people or other things, you will miss your own wisdom. Instead, think about your behavior, your actions, your inactions, as the answer to why your life is the way it is. Then you’ll have information you can do something with.
THE MODEL
One of my favorite coaching tools is the CTFAR Model. As a certified life coach from The Life Coach School, I use the model in my coaching. When you have a problem, regardless of what the problem is, all you have to do is categorize it in the model in order to solve it. Your problem is either a Circumstance, a Thought, a Feeling, Actions, or a Result.
Once you categorize your problem in the model and you fill in the rest of it, you gain awareness. From there, change is possible, but sometimes it is beneficial to stay with the problem until a greater understanding becomes apparent.
THOUGHTS
Change starts at the level of your thinking. The thoughts you think on a daily basis are repeat thoughts you’ve thought your entire life. So many of them you don’t even realize they’re going across your brain. When you think a thought so often that you don’t know you’re thinking it, it becomes a belief. It becomes true for you. It doesn’t mean the thought is true, it means you believe it to be true because you’ve thought it for so long.
For example, a thought might be, “I always have to do everything.” This might feel true, but it doesn’t mean it actually is true. You can find how it isn’t true. But notice how you feel when you think it. Notice how you react when you believe it. When you change what you think and believe about your life, you change how you experience your life.
MANUALS
A manual is a set of rules that we have unconsciously about how other people should behave. ‘He should buy me flowers on my birthday. She should text back right away. He should answer when I call.’ Most of the time we don’t even realize we have these expectations for other people, but when other people don’t follow the manual we have for them, we are the ones who feel terrible.
In coaching, you will learn to reveal the manuals you have for other people and how to drop them.
BOUNDARIES
Setting boundaries is another coaching tool. Most people do not know how to set proper boundaries. A boundary is something you will do. It’s not something you do to control other people. Other people get to behave how they want to behave. We’re not here to change other people. We’re here to change ourselves. “If you don’t take the trash out, I’m going to ignore you.” is not a boundary. That is a threat. It is not productive and it leaves you feeling terrible.
A proper boundary would sound like, “If you don’t take the trash out, I will.” “If you yell at me, I will leave.” The other person can keep doing what they’re doing and you take action to enforce your boundary.
LOVABILITY
Lovability is a tool we use to have better relationships. Whether with someone you love or yourself. Everyone is 100% worthy. Everyone is 100% lovable. Some people may choose to not love you, but you are still 100% lovable. When you choose to feel love for someone, YOU are the one who feels it, not them.
FEELINGS
There are many feelings tools in coaching, but a couple of my favorites are your top three feelings, indulgent feelings, and your current feeling. How you feel comes from what you think and your feelings drive all the action you take. If you feel stuck in your life, doing feeling work will help you move.
BUFFERING
Buffering is something we do as a way to avoid our feelings. A lot of the buffering activities have a negative consequence on life. For example, over-eating causes weight gain, procrastination causes overwhelm, over-spending causes money issues…The way to get out of the habit of buffering is to allow the urge to buffer, but you don’t give in to the action.
PAST + FUTURE FOCUS
You can re-write your past and you can create a future that has nothing to do with your past. How you interpret either comes from how you think. What you believe is possible for you comes from what you think. If you never dream up a better life for yourself, you’ll never attempt to go there. How good your life is, is up to you. Yes, even when you believe God is the one providing. You still have to take the action. You still have to believe He will provide. You still have to be willing to wait for His time. And you get to decide how to feel about it.
TRACKING
Another great tool is tracking. You can track your time, your energy, your emotions, your money, your food. Whatever you want to change, start tracking what you’re currently doing. You will reveal patterns. And what’s really neat is that as soon as you start tracking, you non-consciously change your behavior. You want to be better, so you do better. The hard part is to keep tracking long enough for the real patterns to reveal themselves. This is a great way to gain awareness in your life.
MAKING DECISIONS
Decisions are made in a moment. Some people like to take time and think about making a decision, and that’s not wrong, but it is good to know that actually making a decision happens in an instant. There are no wrong decisions. There is only learning. You can always re-decide. The sooner you make a decision, the sooner you take action. If you’re not taking action, look for the decision that you’re undecided on. It’s probably there somewhere.
GOALS
One of the best ways to direct your brain is to set goals. Give it something to focus on. Goals are directive. They give you purpose. I love goals because they bring up all the obstacles that keep people from not changing and in the overcoming of them, people find joy.
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This is definitely not an exhaustive list. Each of these listed here I could do an hour class on to teach you all about them. And we haven’t even covered productivity, self confidence, or money. I wanted to share this with you so that when you book your consult or when we work together, know that there is no shortage of things to work on. We could easily spend a month on each tool and by the end of a year, you would be a completely different person.
And also, know that when you do a guided program with me, I weave these tools in where needed. And if something comes up on one of your coaching calls, I have everything you need to feel supported.
I hope this was helpful, and if you’re interested in coaching, you can schedule your free consultation HERE.
